“When I discovered my husband had an affair I was both devastated and furious, but what I didn’t expect after confronting him is that he would blame me for his infidelity!”
In my private practice as a relationship therapist and infidelity expert, I hate to tell you how often I hear reiterations of this statement from my clients.
A revelation of an affair is a devastating blow to any relationship, but when the cheater blames their partner for creating a situation that “made them” vulnerable to the affair, that usually puts the shock and hurt over the top.
Quite often the men say it’s because their partner has lost interest in them, sexually. Women most often blame a lack of emotional intimacy for why they suddenly became erotically entangled with another man.
“He understands me and listens to me in a way that my husband (or boyfriend) doesn’t,” is the common refrain.
As much as the cheater would like to cast off their guilt by blaming their partner for their bad behavior, it really doesn’t work that way.
When infidelity occurs, the cheating partner bears the brunt of owning most, if not all, of the blame.
Not only did the cheating partner choose to ignore or downplay the pre-existing problems, behaviors and conditions that made the relationship vulnerable to cheating, but they actively made the decision to betray their partner instead of facing up to those problems and working through them.
However, since a relationship is the creation of what two people put into it, when cheating happens, both partners must take a serious look at their own responsibility and contribution to the downfall of their closeness.
An emotional indiscretion or physical affair is really a loud wake-up call to both partners that there is something seriously amiss in the primary relationship.
Why Cyber, Physical and Emotional Affairs Happen. From my book, Chatting or Cheating here are a few of the reasons why most cheaters say they strayed:
1. We share an address, but little else. Statistics show that couples who lead separate social lives are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend more time enjoying common friends and interests.
2. I feel misunderstood or under-appreciated. Frequent criticism and complaining is a big red flag that your relationship needs work…NOW.
3. We’re more like roommates than sexual partners. When this happens, partners may begin to look outside of the relationship for physical or emotional fulfillment.
4. Our lives are changing or in transition. Children, retirement, a mid-life crisis, a new job, loss of parents…you name it. Big life changes are often catalysts for cheating.
5. I deserve it. If they’re working too hard or their needs are going unmet, and they feel all they do is sacrifice for others, they may end up having an affair to satisfy some unmet desires “because they deserve it.”
Whatever the reason for the affair, it’s important to note that while both partners may have contributed in some degree, there is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to understand, mend, forgive and heal.
And if desired by both of you, it’s even possible that your relationship can be better after an affair if you both do the necessary deep work (as a couple and individually).
Even if it’s too late and the relationship can’t be mended, or if you’re already divorced, to successfully move on and take control of your life back, it’s important to own what happened, learn the lessons of what went wrong, and then forgive your partner and yourself for whatever events lead to the affair
